Chapter 2: Growing Up Mormon

Growing up Mormon was a mixed blessing in retrospect. On one hand you had an instant community wherever you were. On the other hand you are isolated from the community at large by having restrictive or exclusive practices that separate you from the larger community. This reinforces the idea that you are special in the eyes of God. Many religions do this. You need to have something to differentiate you from the masses.

We moved many times finally settling at one end of the country when we ran out of land and an ocean lay before us. Whenever we moved to a new place, the church members would rally to meet us and welcome us. This included work parties to help move or fix up a house or provide meals. The conservative nature of Mormonism made sure that the doctrine would be the same whether one was in Australia or Arabia. I knew the kids I met had a common belief and that ground was sufficient to become fast friends.

Being in places with very low numbers of mormons, one had to deal with the unique and perculiar beliefs others had about us. I made friends with others, but had to keep somewhat aloof in order to keep the commandments of the church. I was always a little shy in this regard. Others would be quite bold in telling others about our beliefs, I was not. In high school, I was a jock and a nerd - flowing between these two groups allowed me flexibility to avoid social settings where things not to my religion would happen. It also allowed me to not have any really deep friendships that could have developed.

One friend in school was a pothead. We sat together in chemistry class. He was from another school and had few local friends. I only avoided and disliked people that were mean or cruel, he was neither so I liked him. One day feeling the weight and pressure of not fitting in because I was a "goody-goody" mormon he invited me out with friends picking him up to go out for a joint. I remember thinking "To hell with with it all.." and saying "I'll go." We went out at lunch and waited. They never showed and I never felt that weak again. Where would I be if...is a thought that I have often had about many things.

I was a cute blonde haired boy, and didn't have too much trouble with the girls. The number of occasions where I could have had sex, well, I didn't. I had a path in life and that would have to wait. At times I have pondered where I would be now if ... I realize that this is mostly fruitless. What if scenarios conviently leave out history. If I had sex with these girls, it would have been against my beliefs and at that time I would have deep guilt and anguish. I made the best decision at the time for where I was emotionally. I have no regrets. One might as well ask "What if aliens sucked your brains out?"

I was the oldest of many children. Mormons believe in having as many kids as is reasonable. I was to set the example and so I tried. I know that I was at times mean, but for the most part I loved my siblings. Lucky for me I enjoy all my siblings and have traveled and lived with many of them. It is a blessing for me that things are like that.

Keen to learn I spent a lot of time in religious study. Mormonism does allow for a search for truth and that there are answers and no mysteries. I loved that, hunting down answers and finding out truth. I believe that truth will withstand all rocks and arrows aimed at it. I applied this quite firmly as I grew older, especially to my religion. Mormonism also believes in a Mother & Father in heaven, and I liked that. I believe that all things should be fair. Mormons also believe that the most faithful members, married in the temple will attain the highest kingdom in heaven and that there as husband and wife, they could have sex and create worlds of their own. This was powerful for me and helped me toe the line of keeping the commandments.

I want to say that what ultimately led me out of the church was my liberalism. I have a feeling that that was a mitigating factor, but I also feel that I will discover anew that it was something else.

I loved going to church and meeting friends and visiting with them. A favorite activity was to go over to another friends house after church or have them come over. I intensely enjoyed being with people whom I loved. After all, these are the people I would spend eternity with. I could easily overlook what I thought was their flaws, as working towards salvation was a slow and gradual process. Mormonism teaches that "faith without works is dead". I wholly concur.

I organized dances and had parties at my place. Our pool was a big hit and we often had gatherings there. We would take road trips to the mainland and up island as youth and have great times. Friends and I would go skiing in the mountains or camping on the beach in remote locations. These were my friends and I enjoyed life. One night after an inspirational basketball movie about a female player sneaking onto a professional team, we "stole" the keys to the church and played basketball in the gym til late in the morning. I looked in all things to see if things were equal and fair.

I liked to do things for people, I remember that one friend was "disfellowshipped". Its a member who has seriously transgressed and cannot take the sacrament or offer prayers in church. I knew but others did not. When she was asked to give a prayer at one meeting, before she could decline and divulge that she was disfellowshipped I jumped in and said "I feel that I would like to offer a prayer." It is something I have done and has a position in why I left the church.

As an aside, we were often late for church, and I hated that so much that as an adult if I am not 5 minutes early for something I feel late. I am proud to say that for the most part I honour such obligations and am at commitments early.

I dated mostly non Mormon girls, only dating a Mormon just before I left for my mission. By and large I kept the sexual commandments, only involving minor petting, but the opportunities for intercourse were plentiful. The girls on both sides of my house I dated and ended after I realized that I was heading down a path where temptation was becoming quite powerful. I was at first resentful that I had not participated, but then again if I had sex and being the person that I was it would have been guilt ridden and the process of repentance would have been painful.

I served in the Naval Reserve for almost three years. One stint was away from my home port for a summer. During that time I did not attend church for the first time in my life. I picked up foul language but kept the commandments of the more serious kind. I did not take the Lords name in vain, even until this day.

I would often go out with the guys for drinking, but never touched the stuff myself. The smoky bars with pea soup thick smoke and copious amounts of alcohol and rowdy seaman behaviour - seen it all. The wild times and the wild women was quite exciting for me to experience visually. Going thru boot camp and other such things tends to draw one into a tight group, an "espre de cor", or "spirit of the troops". I felt close to these guys. I was still a little bit the "odd man out" because I did not drink, but being the joker, telling stories, pulling pranks and being a friend won them over. I can remember every time I saw a friend I would smile ear to ear and really be happy just to see them. That exuberance was commented on many a time. I was easy going and it served me well.

I remember one attractive girl I met. We were alone talking about things and I remember that the conversation came around to gays (for what reason I do not recall). I gave the official Mormon line (its bad) and spouted off my hatred. I had not thought about it much, that thinking had been done by church leaders, I had not actually known any gay people. This has relevance later.

I had met this guy there, very popular and handsome with a gorgeous girlfriend. We became friends because we both had a good foot for soccer and spent time out on the field. One night the Brazilian Navy was in town and his girl ran off with them. We were talking about it the next day and the betrayal and hurt was obvious. For some reason he didn't know that I was in the reserve and this came up. This offended him in some way and he looked at me like I had betrayed him too. We never spoke again. I remember the look in his face and wondered about the reason and the nature of hurt and betrayal and friendship. I remember being sad about it and knowing I could do little. I have no idea why I wrote this small snippet, but it came to mind and did not leave. I have satisfied this now.

Towards the end of my time in the Navy, there was a cruise thru the orient and South and North America for three months. I was deciding whether to go or not. I was sneaking up on 20 years of age and 99% of Mormon boys leave the month they turn 19 years. I knew that I was going to serve and decided that I should leave the Navy early. I also figured that the contrast from Naval life and shore leave would not be conducive to my spirit in preparation for serving a mission. I left for America just before my 20th birthday for training to serve for 2 years in that country. On my own coin but mostly my parents.

That is the end of the youth phase of my life.

Chapter 1: Religion Background

Religion for the first the first 36 years of my life shaped all that I did. I was a 100% committed christian until 1997. I was raised in the Mormon faith since birth. The Mormons teach about God and Jesus, that they want us to be happy so there are rules. No smoking, no alcohol, no pre-martial sex, no illicit drugs, pay 10% to the church, follow the 10 commandments, follow the example set by Jesus and serve a volunteer 2 year mission for your church, especially for men.

I can say that I did all of the above. The only exception was one puff of a cigarette when I has about 6 or 7, that I gagged on and never tried again, even til this day. But he was a whole grade ahead of me, I was used to trusting older people.

I followed the ideals faithfully, serving a two year on my own coin for the church. This involved flying to another country and trying to "spread the gospel" 100% of the time. You have probably seen two young men wearing white shirts and ties walking down the street - I was there. On the phone, knocking door to door or thru referrals it was to convert people to the religion. Yes, that dedicated and committed. As luck would have it - I went to an area that my best friend was currently serving in. I knew God was looking out for me.

It was a tee totaling family, following the Word of Wisdom that told its followers that smoking, illicit drugs or drinking alcohol was not something good to do. I never did. Another story is how a "Word of Wisdom" became a "rule".

Sex? Well, yes, no intercourse or oral sex, but there was the occasional grope here and there after all I was male and a teenager, but I felt overwhelming guilt - that had and was confessed to the leader of the congregation and before God.

Going to church? Yes. Every week, for three hours. There was Sunday school where we divided into classes. There was Relief Society/Priesthood where men and women separated and then there was sacrament. One hour each, meaning lots of time. The only occasion in my life I did not go every single week was a two month posting away from home when I was in the navy. I was 18 and did not go. All my peers tried to get me to drink, but I held fast to my beliefs. The worst that I did was swear a little, but never the Lords name in vain.

In Mormon theology, one can get married in a temple - but only fully fledged members. Those that follow all the rules qualify. It is regarded as a place of higher spiritual learning. It is reminiscent I believe of masonry. I was married there, for "time and all eternity". I ate those concepts up as the spoke to me.

Mormonism uses a lay clergy. You are volunteered for positions in the church. I accepted all such callings, like teaching Sunday school, presiding in a quorum for a priesthood group and even as a congregational (aka a Ward in Mormonism) job specialist!

One belief that was powerful for me was the "Families are Forever" campaign. In Mormonism, a family that has a husband and wife married in the temple can enjoy being a family in the next life. I toed this line because as for as long as I can remember I have wanted to have such a thing. In fact that is what kept he out of drugs/drinking/sex in high school - to keep worthy of such a blessing. I can remember thinking my life as follows:

1. Follow the commandments.
2. Serve a 2 year mission.
3. Follow the commandments.
4. Get married in the temple.
5. Follow the commandments.
6. Have children.
7. Have them follow the commandments.
8. Have children repeat the above.

The other thing to add was get a university education, which although is not doctrine, it is encouraged greatly. So I complied.

My wife and I had three kids. From our marriage until their arrival we returned to the temple many times for spiritual rejuvenation. That is what is expected of church members. There are spiritual teaching and activities there. One such activity is that you are given a secret "new name" to remember for the rest of your life. I am no longer a Mormon in theology or even a luke warm christian, however, I respect what I held as sacred and what others hold as sacred and I leave that and all other "sacred not secret" things alone.

Mormonism also includes a "Book of Mormon" and a "Doctrine & Covenants" and "A Pearl of Great Price" in their canon. These were created by Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon faith. I read and prayed about such things and believed they were from the mouth of God. I prayed about many things, although an angel never visited I did believe that I received some answers, enough that I believed that I would never be writing what or where I am today. That *would* never be me, I knew that.

Utah and America is really the home of Mormonism. Other places were referred to as the "mission field". That is where I was. Always in the real minority in any community, we banded together for activities and friendship. The church became our community. They have consistent doctrine across the world. That has its good points but also a down side. The benefit was that I knew that I could go anywhere in the world, walk into a Mormon church and be accepted instantly. I could easily integrate anywhere. That was gratifying to know, and I did that exact thing a few times. I know the language, the nuances and could still do it, but I could not lie and deceive so now.

In all respects I was a full fledged member of the Mormon faith. I did not have the rebellious period that many others did, yes, a little boring, but that was me. By and large I was happy and life was progressing. There were kinks in some things but I was committed to God and doing the best I could.

Chapter 0: A Story of a Common Man

I find myself with free time in a small place in a large country that is not my own. As such I have had time to reflect on the changes that I have undergone these past many years and with a clarity that hindsight provides. I have tackled each situation and kept a hard bound journal to match it, but the piecing of the whole story gives it a new perspective.

For many years I loved the stories of men and women overcoming incredible odds and scaling mountains or walking on the moon. But these are not ordinary people like you and I. These people fill the lecture circuit and we never will. But I have come to recognize and love the story of the ordinary person overcoming their own challenges in life. I don't much care for generals of war or business anymore. I only see heroes in ordinary people faced with life and making their own difficult decisions.

I will present my story without an agenda, without guile. I mean no disrespect for religious beliefs and people who I mention, of course all names omitted. The truth will always hurt an impure heart. I will bare my own soul and my shortcomings in the process. But as grandma says "It's a pretty thin pancake with only one side." That side is this story.

Before I jump into the story, a bit of why this came to be. This should probably be in its own post, but I don't want a bazillion posts and have no idea how this will end up. There are a few spoilers, but so be it.

I left my country to visit my kids who are living with my ex-wife and her husband. I was to be here for only 2 months, thru to christmas 2004. Its now spring 2005 and decisions I made came to a head this week. I determined to spend as much time with my kids, pursue a old world art form, keep a respectful distance to the ex and her husband and not pursue friendships here. I have been here and done that before and it suited me here. I had recently left the city of my birth (but not my childhood), education, marriage and the birth of my 3 kids, the last being in my home. I'd returned to the city I grew up in, by the ocean on an island that I dearly love where my parents and siblings live. It was there my heart was set - the music, the people, the mountains, the water and familiarity. Not here.

As such, I unwittingly entered an isolation I had not anticipated and it has wore me down, causing me to reflect on how I got here. Today I went and spent the day with someone and I realized how much I missed adult company. Realizing a change was needed I determined to write down my story that has been stewing for a few years and make other changes before I embark on another journey of changing where I am emotionally. One has to appreciate the past to enjoy the future. Appreciate not dwell, the water has flowed.

It is a story of love, betrayal (don't they hold hands?), family, depression, religion, spirituality, search for meaning, sex, exploration, death, life and community. It is my story.